If I am being totally honest. . .
I consider myself an advocate for self-care, and self-love, and really protecting your mental health…. but in real life I STRUGGLE to do it myself. Often times, my close girlfriend and I have conversations, mainly venting about life’s many woes and then quickly returning to our spiritual roots to encourage one another in the Lord, no matter if it’s regarding our men, our families, our jobs. . MONEY, (whew chile). I thank God for those that He has assigned to my life because they honestly hold a mirror to show me who I really am. I tend to worry and easily filled with anxiety and eh… be a bit of a pushover, I live my life with my foot on the gas with barely any breaks, forgetting that this car DOES have a brake system. I realize that I haven’t allowed myself to slow down DUE to my anxiety. The last 4 years of my life has been filled with, well, the struggle. I HATEEEE to continue to sing the same old single mom song but much of my adulthood has been consumed with being in survival mode. Working long hours, NOT working at all, food stamps, borrowing money, having money, losing money, growing credit score, DECREASED credit score, paying bills, late fees, and… shall I go on?
The root of my anxiety may not be simply because of my adult woes but when the switch is constantly on “when, what, where, HOW am I going to make it???” there isn’t much time to focus on down time. My girlfriend told me ” you are still young, you need to take your money and set something aside to go on a trip to travel, enjoy being single” she is ONE THOUSAND PERCENT CORRECT, she went on to be honest in her feelings of scrolling through social media, watching people (married, single, or otherwise) live their best lives as they documented their escapades in new places. I can relate. My emotions would be a mixture of true happiness for others and then a bit of jealousy because man, would I LOVE to let loose, I don’t blame anyone else however. I could do so many things but I try to make the best decisions regarding my home and my daughter and yes we have to save for the things we want but my mind has been so wrapped around simply surviving that these things don’t cross my mind often, my priorities are at the tippy (ex: did you pay your bills before splurging on that new outfit? Can you keep your lights on AFTER you make that deposit on that trip?) so when people suggest that I attend an event or join them in traveling, all that my mind is consumed with is ‘ehh.. I got bills, I don’t know’. It’s hard to revert from that. I kind of hate that this is my constant mental mode but I’m no spring chicken when it comes to buyers remorse or planning things just for them to be sabotaged at the last moment (buying tickets to events and NOT being able to go, etc.), I can plan something and get super anxiety days before because in my mind all I can think is ‘ I really hope something bad doesn’t happen to prevent me from going’. Some people can relate.
Back to my point, I thank God for those who are assigned to my life that can see from my perspective and who’s gone where I’ve been because otherwise they would chalk me up as boring and too serious when honestly, I AM NOT. For the entirety of my 20’s I’ve been a mother trying to navigate life and mainly ALONE (with God) and I’ve learned lessons and have gained a maturity that has made me realize that being responsible matters and heck if you’re not paying my way, when I say I can’t go due to scheduling issues (or HELL financial conflicts) don’t try to play me (. . .please see my article on friendship). Not that I HAVE to explain myself but I, too, loathe the fact that I am half way through my 20’s and I haven’t enjoyed these years because I chose to be a single mom ( a DAMN GOOD ONE) and because I decided to step out on a limb and try to do this thing alone (getting my first place, relocating without family, etc.) all before the age of 22.
But no matter what, I somehow still feel like a failure, I haven’t done anything spectacular as of yet (no degree, no new experiences to share) and trust me it wasn’t by choice, maybe God halted my paths in certain areas, maybe the enemy did it… I can’t answer the question. But these are the things that I discuss with my close girlfriend, I love how candid she is and she doesn’t allow herself to withhold her truths while I guard mine with pride and fear of embarrassment. There are things that I just WILL NOT divulge unless she mentions it first and then I feel safe enough to release all that I’ve protected within me, as if she has to dive in the water first while I dip my toe to see that it’s okay to go all the way in, that it wont hurt me.Instead, it will grant me access to the liberation that I so desperately need because here we aren’t restricted by the gravity of our secrets but here… in this place…we can float, we can let loose without a care in the world; we’ve released ourselves and we can stay as long as we want. The water is fine. Wade.
Most of my friends are mothers so they get most of where I come from and I still have a bit of trouble adjusting to those without children because they don’t yet understand that coming and going when you please is a privilege to those with that freedom. It’s a bit tedious, frustrating rather when you have to constantly explain that boo, after a lonnnng day of work and making sure that my home and my child is straight, I would rather chill inside and cuddle up next to my favorite wine. Needless to say, containing my facial expressions of intense disapproval becomes a tad more difficult. I can chalk it up to my own immaturity. I could also bring it back around to understanding WHO is assigned to your life and if their presence is relevant to your present season. I understand the tension, the awkwardness of trying to connect to people that you no longer relate to, trying to hold onto souls who no longer serve you ( in this point of your life, anyway).
It truly is important to know who’s on your side, who God has assigned in your life for a season or for a lifetime and to not stress yourself in regards to maintaining a friendship that is rather strenuous. I have a super big heart so I ride HARD for mine no matter if I’m there for moral support or if I have to Cashapp you something until you reach payday ( MY Bible calls me a LENDERRR , boo). It MATTERS, though, and it’s A BILLION PERCENT okay to ask God if these people or this person is for you and you cannot get upset or reject the red flags because it is ONLY for your good, beloved. I won’t get into the ‘signs of how to know if such and such is for you’ because we’ll be here all day, and honestly we know deep down if a situation is toxic or beneficial.
As always, thank you all so much for reading, I love you to LIFE. If you want to stay updated on the newest posts here @ Ambitiousoul make sure you subscribe to the site and follow us on social media @ Ambitiousoulife on ALL platforms (FB/IG/TWITTER).