I am back and I’m doing something that I haven’t done in a while which is give you all a look into my personal life and I truly love being transparent, it feels great to know we aren’t going through life alone especially when there isn’t a strong support system in place. Today I’m glossing over a pretty fragile place in my life, I hope you all enjoy. . .
So, I’ve been reading a slew of books (I’m exaggerating) on parenting to get a greater understanding on how the mind of my 3-year-old works and also [this is important] on how to be a better mother. Often my mind is cluttered with the day-to-day stresses of life and I’m either distracted, busy, tired, or to be flat out honest, just not in the mood for playtime. I’m trying to master this thing called balance so that my precious baby isn’t feeling neglected.
Many of my posts regarding parenthood only covers the area of single parenting because… well, that is my only experience (three-year vet) but I digress...
While reading, I got teary eyed thinking of how many times I’ve failed her and how she deserves much better than me. I think of all the days I walk around in pure frustration, angry about what’s unchangeable. I was under prepared for this life and even more so while doing it alone. I thank God regularly for shielding her from the worries of this world; she’s too young to comprehend much of what I become wounded for just to keep her happy. My experience inside motherhood has affected how I parent her, including me being so young and giving birth. I wasn’t ready for the road ahead even with all the hands to pitch in and the words of wisdom to lean on, I still had to navigate my way around a new way of living.
I was furious while pregnant, mostly hormonal, I had antepartum depression and I didn’t even know it. I had struggled with wanting to keep my baby, I’d confided in a single person concerning my woes and she had offered to take the baby to raise for herself. I wouldn’t allow myself to abort my child as my weak yet firm beliefs pushed me to keep her and the thought of having a child while another person raised her didn’t sit well with me. Child birth was a traumatic experience, and I questioned if I wanted more children – many people won’t see it this way nor would they understand but we can become damaged in many areas of our lives and parenthood has become one of those for me. I’ve avoided discussing this with many people because I know that most people love children, many believe in having large families and of course we must remain sensitive to the women who struggle to conceive.
We can become damaged in many areas and parenthood has become one of those for me.
My truth is that I’m in no rush to be a two time mom, especially as a single woman trying to advance her career. Pregnancy can be uncomfortable, it’s hard on the body and it can be taxing in a lot of ways – not to take away from the beauty of giving life. I felt the need to be open about my view to settle the “more babies” conversation from strangers and also because I know that there are other women who feel how I do concerning children. We could blame it on me being a millennial with a “secure the bag” mindset or maybe this an extension of the depression I’ve dealt with previously as I also refuse to babysit other children (yes, I do not volunteer to watch children that are not mine, I know my limits). I believe we as women reserve the right to say if we want to give our bodies over to child birthing or not; forgive me if I’m wrong.
I’ve decided to be bold in my revelation as many of us internalize issues that need to be addressed due to fear of judgement, ridicule, and isolation. I can honestly say that this could be a psychological matter although I cannot self diagnose, we can even chalk it up to personal preferences and leave it there. I’m aware that my take is probably an unpopular one, however, I would love to hear from those who’ve struggled just as I have because these concerns do matter. Leave your comments below or on our social media pages @Ambitiousoulife (all platforms) or reach out via DM’s, you can also email me your take by selecting the “email” option on our Instagram page.
As Always thank you for reading and please subscribe, XOXO.