Hello to you all! This topic has been on my mind all week and I’ve finally gotten around to sorting out my thoughts to really chat about it, this ties a bit into my last post and I’ll probably do another that will pull all three together. . .
I want to acknowledge the feeling of loneliness because I understand it, I also understand celibacy and fighting your God-given urges because its natural. It’s a daily struggle that often feels unfair, especially, when the topic of sex and relationships are surrounding you or when you’re doing all that you can to live holy while “worldly” people are flourishing around you. Loneliness can make you do and feel some crazy things, I’ve never physically had sex with married men but I’ve lusted after a few. Loneliness has pushed me into places where I’ve looked for love and attention in every place that I’ve stepped foot on whether it was at church, at work, the gas station, or anywhere in between. I was a broken, desperate, insecure young woman seeking love from anyone, I was even flirting with a 60+ year old man with a missing incisor. I allowed loneliness to beat me down and what I had found was that this was the devil attempting to possess my mind. I was becoming miserable, I was a prisoner inside of my own body, people connected to me were getting blessed and outwardly I was ecstatic but inwardly I was fighting feelings of bitterness. It was as if my life was nothing more than a treadmill.
My everyday phrase became “Lord, help me!” And my thoughts consisted of ‘Lord, where are you?’ this was me being tormented. Aside from loneliness and lust I fought the constant thoughts (and even dreams) of men that had hurt and abandoned me. I remember being sad, constantly asking God what is it that I needed to do? I worked hard to change my ways, I gave up sex, I backed away from alcohol, I paid my tithes, I minded my mouth, I read my Bible, I gave to others, I attended church, I prayed, read devotions, repented of sins, went on a fast and I was still so lost… where was my good thing? I mean, the only thing left to do was slaughter a lamb.
I’m talking to everyone when I say this but to my ladies, you really have to be careful of the energy that you carry, especially, inside of your single season because a man can sense desperation in a woman and you will become a beautiful repellent – take it from someone that knows. You will attract the thing that you exude and that spirit can drive away what you desire and replace it with a mess in a suit.
I won’t pretend as if I don’t still experience these feelings or as if I don’t ask myself, how can you do everything right and still be wrong? I felt like I had to jump through hoops and perform magic tricks to get God’s attention. Being a Christian can be challenging and it doesn’t always seem fair. I remember thinking to myself that It must be easier to turn back to sin, to seek love from someone other than God, go back to drinking and act out in rebellion. I was tired. I’m sure that living in sin would’ve capture God’s attention but not in the right ways, I wondered what I did so badly to have God ignore me. I was becoming frustrated as a single mother, I never had any money, I was gaining weight and I was sinking. I know exactly how it feels to cry out for help, because I’ve cried when it seemed no one was listening. God cares, He listens, He sees and He knows. Not a single thing is slipping by our almighty Father in Heaven. . .
What I began to do was look at things differently and I recognized that God is not going to release a single thing into my life until I am spiritually mature enough to receive it. God is a jealous God and nothing is before Him, why would He give me a man to distract me from who He is? God knows me and He knows the condition of my heart, just as He does yours. He will not allow room for us to praise anything other than Him. He knows what we desire and the extent of that desire. We cannot wait for God by watching our own clocks because it will never work. You have to view your situation as if you are preparing a meal. . . you wouldn’t remove food from an oven before it’s desired time, would you? You wouldn’t want anyone else to present you with an under-cooked meal, would you? It’s the same way with our Heavenly Father, He is preparing something for us that needs to be at the right temperature, He is a professional at perfection. There is no way that He would release a less than exceptional blessing into our lives, we won’t need to return or exchange it for anything else. Trust in Him and have faith that He will do what He says He will do, for He cannot lie.
So many things in this life are easier said than done but it takes practice and it takes WORK, you will have to sweat and even cry if you need to. What you do need to understand is that He will give you beauty for your ashes. He will give you blessings that you will not have room enough for. Be active in preparing yourself for your blessings by using your mouth to speak life into your life. Speak it and believe that it is already done, even if you have to constantly repeat it in front of a mirror, even if people think that you’re crazy. This goes for anything in life, like I had mentioned earlier this will tie into one of my upcoming posts so please stay tuned. Thank you for reading and don’t forget to subscribe.