Looking Inside : A Revelation

Prior to becoming a mother, I was young, dumb, had no life experience, and I was carefree. I have a relative who was a young mother and she seemingly didn’t care or have pride in her outer appearance and I remember looking down on her and making statements in her absence like: “when I have children, I will refuse to let myself go, I refuse to allow myself to walk around looking a mess” not thinking nor caring about her inner circumstances of why her hair looked unkempt, why didn’t she have the best clothes, why doesn’t she care? Truth is, she did. While I sat in beauty salons every 2 weeks getting a fresh style, she was caring for 3 children the best way that she knew how. Her expenses were short because she had mouths that needed to be fed before sitting in a chair to maintain her own vanity.

I’ve seen so many women that say X-Y-Z about how they won’t allow themselves to be presented a certain way no matter their struggle, and this could very well be true, some people have connections that they can work with what little they have or they may know someone that can do it for free but now, being a woman that has humbly experienced a life outside of every 2 week appointments to the hair salon, every few weeks or so in a nail shop, and a lack of talent for doing these things for herself, I can attest for those without a voice that sometimes it’s not always that easy. I’m a single mother, I refuse to sing the blues about my circumstances but I can be real about a few things, I understand the hurt that comes from those very sacrifices, I’ve never had to sacrifice so much in my life. Others had sacrificed for me, and I didn’t realize it, others had hurt for me while I was being spoiled and entitled. For a very long time I thought that the world revolved around me and my miniscule problems.

Thank you, God for the wakeup call!

I can say that, in the present, trying to do what I can to make myself look presentable and falling short time after time, hurts. It hurts when you say “okay, I’ve finally pulled it together, now, my child and I look like a unit” but it’s still something missing, you still feel insecure and you still feel as if others have something to criticize you for. The angry parts of me wants to burst into an uncontrollable rage and tell these people where they can shove their opinions and to put up or shut up about my finances. Being on the other side of the fence has opened my eyes to so much more, I actually want to apologize to my family member for being so compassionless. Now, knowing and understanding how it feels to want a lifestyle of comfort but your current situation only permits for x-amount of people to live as such and none of those people include you, it’s painful. I desperately want to be the person that can hide their problems, that can throw on make up and do things to their hair, spray some perfume and poof, the struggle is invisible. I’m not. I wear every emotion on my sleeve, I dress my daughter up in the best, and I simply trail after. Motherhood has shown me what it’s like to be number two in your own life, being last in your very. Own. Life. I try to balance out being a good mommy, putting food on the table, getting baths done, providing, getting good grades, amongst a list of other things all without a spouse in the picture. Some of us are really trying to keep it together while it’s falling apart at the seams. God is good, however. If the saying had no meaning then, it truly has one now, please don’t judge a book by its cover, you never know what’s inside…

Share your opinion below on this topic and any other topic that you want to see, don’t forget to follow me on twitter @NadjiiNadj 💜

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